1. Alcopop
A fruity flavored alcoholic beverage also known as bitch piss. Consumed in vast quantities by 15-yr old girls with way too much make up and nowhere near enough clothing. Things like hard lemonade, Zima and wine coolers.
2. White Zinfandel
This is a blush wine that women who know nothing about wine drink because it is fruity and sweet. For added pansy effect, ask for an ice cube.
3. Mai Tai, Fuzzy Navel, Screwdriver, Alabama Slammer, Sex on the Beach, etc.
Readers beware, all mixed drinks fall under this heading. Get real - A sweet, sugary, often fruity alcoholic beverage that is most often consumed by women and gay men. Do you really want to be the guy to say “I’ll have the same as her”?
4. Cosmopolitan (”Cosmo”)
A cocktail made famous by the show Sex And The City. It consists of cranberry juice, triple sec, vodka and lime. Yes, this could fall under the mixed drink category, but it gets its own because Sarah Jessica Parker drinks these when she’s horny.
5. Margarita
A gay man’s nectar of choice. It’s limey-taste is excellent for concealing rank breath after a “trip to the bathroom”. The fact that it’s frozen and comes equipped with an umbrella is not very macho. Group this with Pina Colada and Mudslide and reserve it for a night at Applebee’s with your lady.
6. Anything that ends in ‘-tini’ (Appletini, Flirtini, Chocolatini, and so on)
The only, repeat only, acceptable Martini is the dirty kind - a deadly cocktail which consists of a 2:1 ratio of gin or vodka and dry vermouth with olive brine added to dirty it up. Any other kind is defined as this: a drink known in the gay community as a drink to give to your partner for a sure Brokeback session later that night. PS-If you really want to impress your lady ask for your gin martini with a twist. Very sophisticated.
7. Did we mention mixed drinks?
Oh, that’s right, we did. Stay away, stay away. If the above evidence still isn’t enough to quell your curiosity, figure in the fact that these girly drinks usually cost twice as much as your standard draft.
And in case you’re legally defined as one quarter putz, here is a very basic no-no list. Feel free to print it out and stuff it into your wallet next to that unused condom.
1. Cute little umbrellas
2. Straws
3. Whipped Cream
4. Slushies
5. Fruit garnishes